Quejesto?
Whatevenisthissubstack?
I’ve started writing this piece in my head approximately 154 times1. The reason the words have not moved from my head through my fingertips are pedestrian and unoriginal: the fear of being exposed, the audacity of believing what is in my head is worth the precious time of those around me, the inevitability of not living up to expectations (mine or others’). Just pick one and that is the reason of the moment. It’s all insecurity really. These trolls guard the bridge from my inside to the outside.
I could write about how I, slowly but surely, am replying to all those trolls in my head and telling them there is another bridge worth their time and effort. They could defend what comes from the outside to my insides instead. It is an ongoing discussion. The chaos in that negotiation is not linear and would most certainly make for a Kafka-eske narrative that goes nowhere and everywhere and has some sort of supernatural element.
Maybe someday, but not in this intro. Gotta buy you the proverbial drink first before we start talking magical realism, you know? I was raised a good and generous girl.
I have found myself with the time and space of someone who has drained themselves of other expectations. When that happens, you find that parts of your insides start to empty. Like the tide receding, you find new caves in the cliffside. In those caves, I found paintings and etchings of a voice that tried and tried again to get out. But it had been drowned in exhaustion and lack of energy. I’ve decided to honor that voice and work towards a future where it can get out.
If you don’t want to follow my analogy... the gist of it is I have time and energy after leaving my job and I want to dedicate part of it to writing. I am also the queen of tortured analogies, so, you’ve been warned.
The pedestrian truth is that the first step is probably one of the hardest. The pedestrian truth is that you must trust that you will not die when you take it. The pedestrian truth is that you will only find out where that trail goes when you start walking it.
So let’s walk then.2
Number accurate to the best of my ability
“quejesto” = “What is this?” (Spanish slang)
"comoasi?" = "How so" (Spanish slang)